Sexual Mindfulness

 

The Truth About Keeping Passion Alive

How do you keep your sexual passion alive after you’ve been with your partner for 10, 20 or more years and have had sex thousands of times together?

“The key is using sexual mindfulness to approach each erotic encounter with your partner as something new and fresh. Sexual mindfulness helps you adopt a Beginner’s Mind, the Buddhist term for looking at things as if you are experiencing them for the first time” (quote from Sexual Mindfulness).

In my new book, Sexual Mindfulness, I  provide a road map for achieving great sex with fun, easy to master exercises and information that guide you through his sexual mindfulness training program.

Mindfulness is best described as nonjudgmental moment-by-moment awareness where you are fully engaged in the present moment with all five of your senses. All mindful sexual moments are (1) present centered, (2) non conceptual, (3) non-judgmental, and (4) non-verbal.

For example, imagine that you are having sex with your partner. If you were doing it mindfully here is what would be happening:

One hundred percent of your attention would be focused on your partner and your sexual environment. All of your senses would be involved in what is going on in the present moment.

Your thoughts would focus on the experience of making love with your partner. They would not drift to something that happened in the past or jump to what might happen in the future.

You wouldn’t try to figure anything out about your partner or your lovemaking or try to anticipate what would happen next. Instead of thinking about this you would simply notice and  accept what is going on in the present moment.

You wouldn’t judge or compare your partner or your lovemaking to some societal standard. You would enjoy and accept your partner and your lovemaking for what it is, not for what it could be or should be.

Lastly, you wouldn’t be discussing anything. Any messages you needed to communicate would be done by touch or a simple look or moan.

Imagine what you sex life would be like if you or your partner could approach each sexual experience in such a mindful way.

“I don’t care if you’ve been together for 5, 10, or 47 years like my wife and I have been, your lovemaking will never go stale if you can bring moment-by-moment mindfulness to each sexual encounter. Sexual mindfulness enables you to look at each sexual encounter with your partner as new and unique because you’ve learned that each moment in life is new and unique (quote from Sexual Mindfulness) .”

 

Book Table of Contents

Part 1: Let’s Talk About Sex

Chapter 1: Sex and Sexual Identity 

  • What is Sex?
  • Your Sexual Identity.

Chapter 2: Your Biological Sex/Gender

  • The influence of biology (genetics, hormones etc.) on your sexuality.

Chapter 3: Your Gender Identity

  • Your Internal picture of what it means to you to to be boy/girl, man/woman, both/neither.

Chapter 4: Your Gender Role

  • How you portray your gender identity to others.

Chapter 5: Your Sexual Preference/Orientation

  • Your adult, free choice of sex partners.

Chapter 6: Your Sexual Response

  • From desire to satisfaction; the stages of sexual response.
  • How your body and mind connect during sexual response.

Chapter 7: Sensuality and Sexual Behavior 

  • Exploring your sensuality and sexuality.
  • Your sexual behavior options from A to Z.

Part 2: Becoming More Mindful

Chapter 8: Introduction to Mindfulness

  • Mindfulness defined.
  • What is the purpose of mindfulness?

Chapter 9: How Your Mind Thinks About Sex

  • Your mind as a 24/7 thinking and feeling machine.

Chapter 10: Acceptance and Mindfulness

  • Acceptance is the gateway to sexual mindfulness.

Chapter 11: Formal Mindfulness Training; A Three Step Process. 

  • Diaphragmatic breathing.
  • Breath meditation.
  • Mindfulness meditation.

Chapter 12: Informal Mindfulness Training 

  • Becoming more aware of your sexual thoughts, feelings, and self-talk.
  • Becoming more aware of your sexual behavior, and sexual environment.

Part 3: Sexual Mindfulness

Chapter 13: Becoming More Mindful of Your Sexuality

  • Using mindfulness to enhance your sexual identity.
  • Using mindfulness to strengthen your sexual relationship(s).

Chapter 14: Mindful Foot Massage

Chapter 15: Mindful Back Massage

Chapter 16: Mindful Masturbation 

  • For her and him.

Chapter 17: Mindful Oral Sex

  • For him and her.

Chapter 18: Sexual Intercourse as a Gourmet Meal

Epilogue

Reference List

From the Book

 

Chapter 1: Let’s Talk About Sex and Your Sexual Identity

Before we jump into discussing sexual mindfulness we need to answer the question, “What is sex?” You’re probably wondering why I even need to ask the question because everyone knows what sex is, right? Well, maybe.

Sex can mean many different things to different people. Still not convinced? Let me just share a little story that dates all the way back to 1998.

On 1/16/98 President Bill Clinton infamously told the nation, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.” while at the same time admitting that the stains on her blue dress were there because she had performed oral sex on him in his office.  At the time I was 47 years old and my first reaction to his quote was , “yeah, sure, so how do you explain the stains on her dress?” After thinking it over for a while I began to wonder if he really didn’t think that oral sex was sex.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      At the time I was teach a Human Sexuality college course so I decided to ask my students. I was amazed at the results.  Most did not consider oral sex , sex. They viewed it more as a type of foreplay or making out rather than putting it in the same class as intercourse. Furthermore, most of them who had given or received oral sex but hadn’t had sexual intercourse considered themselves to be virgins.

To be honest, I was blown away by the results. I was only a few years younger than President Clinton at the time he made his statement and I definitely viewed oral sex as sex. In fact I viewed oral sex as not only a type of sex but probably the most intimate form of sex because of the face to genital exposure  someone has when performing it. In fact, I still feel this way.

Chapter 2: How Your Mind Thinks About Sex

In order to practice sexual mindfulness, you need to understand how your mind thinks about sex. One of the hardest things for me to understand when I started practicing mindfulness was the role played by my mind. I really didn’t even understand the difference between the brain and the mind. During my first formal seminar I was continually corrected by the instructor when I made statements about the brain that actually were related to the mind.

The best analogy I can think of to explain the relationship between your brain and your mind is the relationship between your computer and the software it runs. Your brain is similar to the computer. It is the structure that houses the software and makes it run. Your mind is like your computer’s software. Just like your computer houses several different programs so does your mind.

While your computer might have a word processing program, a photo and video viewing program, an internet gateway program and several others, your mind has its’ own programs. Your mind’s “programs” are your thoughts, feelings, self-talk and mental images.

The other key similarity between your brain/mind and your computer/software is the ability of your mind and your computer to run several programs simultaneously. At any given time your computer is running its’ operating system, virus checker, email, etc. Your mind does the same thing. It simultaneously thinks, feels, and responds to external stimuli such as sights, sounds, smells etc. when you are in a sexual situation. Not only can your computer and your brain run these programs simultaneously, they are capable of running them non-stop 24/7 every day.  In other words, your mind is a non-stop 24/7 thinking and feeling machine. And people wonder why we think about sex so much???

Chapter 5: Sexual Orientation/Preference

The two terms sexual orientation and sexual preference are often used synonymously. I prefer the term sexual orientation because I feel that it encompasses the term sexual preference. Your sexual orientation is your adult, free choice, of sexual partners.

I use the qualifier, “adult”, because it is not unusual for people to experiment with same and opposite sex partners in childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood. By adulthood people have had the time and opportunity to make an informed choice about the kinds of partners they desire and prefer to have sex with.

I use the qualifying term “free choice” because it eliminates sexual experiences that were forced, or occurred while incarcerated or in any other situation where free choice was curtailed.

I strongly believe that there is no inherently right or wrong, or good or bad sexual orientation. No one knows why people have the sexual orientation they do. As with other preferences (food , career, political etc.) you are drawn to your sexual partners because they appeal to you and spark your sexual desire. No one knows for sure why this is so. There is no conclusive scientific evidence that links sexual orientation to hormones, parenting styles, dominant fathers etc.

 

 

Chapter 8: Sexual Response

If you ask the average person which body part is most important regarding their sexual response, they’ll probably say, the penis or the vagina or something else related to their genitals. Most of us equate sexual response to genital functioning, something that goes on between our legs. In fact, the most important body part involved in your sexual response is located between your ears.

Your brain, not your genitals, is the seat of your sexual response. Sexual response begins and ends in your mind. Sexual response is a complex interaction of psychological and physiological factors that starts in your brain and spreads through ­the rest of your body, including your genitals.

Your sexual response starts with your mind’s perception of desire and ends with a sense of satisfaction or disappointment. It involves thoughts about yourself, your partner, and the specific context in which your potential sexual encounter occurs.  In other words three variables are involved; you, your partner, and the time and place of the encounter.

…Lets use Nick and Anna as an example to help explain how the three variables work together in initiating sexual response.  Imagine Nick is a free-lance information technology consultant who works from home four days a week. Anna, his wife of 13 years is a financial planner who works for a large wealth management corporation.

Nick is working on his computer in the house he shares with Anna. As a consultant, Nick spends many afternoons in his second floor office, watching the activity on his quiet, tree-lined street as he works on his projects. Anna is off from work today, using a vacation day to go holiday shopping with her friends and giving Nick some quiet time to work on a big project that’s due early next week.

Nick has been working since early this morning, piecing together the different threads of what he hopes is a proposal that will bring a major contract to his Information Technology Consulting Firm and land a nice holiday bonus. His mind is fully involved in what he’s doing. His fingers move quickly over the keyboard and his eyes are focused on the screen; his attention is centered on his work. As he works on his proposal he’s barely aware of Anna’s car approaching and pulling into the driveway. He hears the garage door open and looks out the window, just catching a glimpse of Anna’s through the sunroof as her car pulls into the garage.

In the moment all this happens, Nick’s brain notes Anna’s golden blond hair tied back with a silken paisley scarf. She is wearing one of Nick’s favorite dresses, a short, summer dress made of soft, silky material that sways with her legs when she walks. He loves the feel of that material and the sight of the way it moves with Anna’s long, sexy legs. Anna enters the house through the garage and calls up to him, “Hi honey, I’m home a little early. Hope you don’t mind.”

Nick replies, “No problem sweetie” and continues with his work. Although he can’t see her yet, Nick hears the rustling of her skirt and Anna humming a song as she moves around the first floor, straightening up, putting her packages away, and looking at the mail.  Nick, momentarily distracted by the vision of Anna and the sound of her voice, finds himself beginning to get an erection. He chuckles to himself and re-focuses his attention on his work.

After about 20 minutes the house gets quiet and Nick smells a trace of Anna’s  perfume wafting through the open door to his office. The smell of her perfume causes his mind to wander and once again he feels his body begin to respond, this time to the presence of her scent. He feels his penis begin to get erect and although he tries to fight it, his mind continues to wander, drifting from his writing to his erection, to thoughts of Anna’s warm body and their past lovemaking. His brain is just about to shut down this sexual response again when he realizes that Anna has entered the room and is standing quietly by the door, an open bottle of wine and two glasses in her hand.

Anna slowly enters the room and, with a sexy smile, wanders over to Nick’s desk and asks, “Interested in taking a little break?” She takes his glasses off his nose, wraps her arms around his shoulders, and begins to nibble on his ear. Nick is about to burst the zipper on his pants. He turns, gives her a kiss, and feels his penis grow even bigger as his body responds to her warmth, softness, and perfumed delights.

After feeling this desire sweep over his body and mind, Nick decides to stop trying to fight his brain’s urges and allows his body to take over. He picks up Anna, carries her over to the day bed in his office, and begins to tear his clothes off as fast as he can. They proceed to make love, both deciding that Nick’s proposal can wait for a while.

 

 

Chapter 13: Becoming More Mindful of Your Sexuality

More mindful, enjoyable sex is not some fantasy or sexual lifestyle beyond your reach. It has nothing to do with age, beauty, penis or breast size or other physical attributes, lingerie,  jewelry, perfume, make-up, or any of the variables society equates with great sex.  Ordinary people can have extraordinary sex with the same partner for years and years if they approach each experience with grace and gratitude and a beginner’s mind.

The following fun exercise can help you view sex differently. The purpose of this activity is to start to slow down and savor the process of lovemaking as much as the outcome.  It helps you view sex as more of a multi-course gourmet meal. With each course the couple anticipates something special, a unique taste delight.

Exercise # 24:   Sex as a Gourmet Meal                                                                         

Instructions:                                                                                                                                                                                       

1. Set aside one full hour of uninterrupted time for this activity.

2. Think of this one-hour lovemaking session as a gourmet meal.

  • Take your time with each course; savor it and do not rush.
  • Don’t look at having an orgasm as the objective.
  • Don’t even think beyond the course you are involved in and your actions, and those of your partner.

3. For course number one just relax in bed eating and drinking.

  • Don’t get drunk or eat too much.
  • The idea is to have a sensual snack.
  • Think of this as a prelude to your lovemaking.

4. Give your partner a massage for a few minutes.

  • Have your partner choose which type of massage.
  • Take your time, use oil or powder, and be mindful of what is going on in your hands and body, your partner’s body, and the bedroom environment.
  • Continue this for as long as you wish and then switch and have your partner massage you.

5. Now shift your attention to your partner’s vulva or penis and get into position to give your partner oral sex for a while. Relax and take your time.

  • Notice the sights, sounds, tastes, touch, and smell of giving your partner oral sex.
  • Ask your partner if there is anything they would like you to do to enhance the experience for them.

6. Now switch and let your partner give you oral sex for a while.

  • Notice the sights, sounds, tastes, touch, and smell of your partner giving you oral sex.
  • Tell your partner if there is anything you would like them to do to enhance the experience for you.

7. If you both desire it, get into position and give each-other oral sex for a while.

  • Notice the sights, sounds, tastes, touch, and smell of giving and receiving oral sex.
  • Tell your partner if there is anything you would like them to do to enhance the experience for you.

8. Take a break and grab a sip of wine and a piece of fruit.

9. Feed your partner for a while and express your appreciation for such a wonderful love-making session.

10. Now shift your focus to sexual intercourse and ask your partner how they want to be entered or enter you.

11. After a while change intercourse positions. I recommend finishing with one that your partner is most likely to achieve orgasm with.

12. Continue in this position until your partner comes.

13. If you haven’t come and want to, tell your partner what you will need in order to come.

14. Remember, you can have great sex even if you don’t have an orgasm so this is your choice.

15. After you either have an orgasm or decide to stop having intercourse, don’t pull out or have your partner pull out immediately.

 

I Need Your Help

This book is being funded through Publishizerthe world’s first crowdfunding literary agency. It was recently written up in Forbes magazine. They approached me with an offer to write the book as a crowd-funding project.

Without your support the book will never get finished. 

In order for the book to get published I need at least 250 people just like you to help me out and pre-order a copy of the book.

Everyone who pre-orders will get a signed copy of the book and a free cop[y of the ebook.

I have also put together some enticing package deals that combine the book, my Sexual Mindfulness Audio Collection, my Sexual Mindfulness Home Study Course, and other items you’re sure to enjoy.

So please don’t delay and pre-order your autographed first edition copy today for just $21 and get a free copy of the ebook.

Pre-Order Here

Thanks for your support,

Dr Rich

 

 

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