Are Your Clients Clear About Their Sexual Values?

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AC Sex Coaching for Committed Couples

 

 

Sexual Values and Getting Stuck

 

Are your clients clear about their sexual values? Lack of clarity regarding sex and relationship values is a major reason clients get stuck in a sexual rut.

 

In my last blog I talked about how clients get stuck in a sexual rut because of psychological inflexibility. I described the six core processes that contribute to psychologically inflexibility and getting stuck; (1) Lack of clarity of values (2) Dominance of outmoded scripts and learning (3) Cognitive fusion (4) Attachment to the conceptualized self (5) Experiential avoidance and (6) Inaction, impulsivity, and rigidity . The six processes work independently and combine in a synergistic way when clients get stuck sexually.

 

Values are a key component of personality and are central to defining who someone is as a person. Clients have both core and satellite values related to a host of variables. One of those variables is sex.

 

Core sexual values are the things that are central to who your clients are as sexual people and are non-negotiable. Surrounding these core values are lesser-held satellite sexual values that clients hold dear but are not as strongly committed to.

 

 

These satellite values are important but are considered negotiable. Satellite sexual values are more amenable to compromise and change than core sexual values. These core and satellite lines are very subjective. One client’s core sexual values are another’s satellite values and vice versa.

 

Clients have core and satellite values related to every aspect of their sexual identities:

  • biological sex    
  • gender identity
  • gender role
  • sexual orientation
  • sexual behavior 

As I described in an earlier blog , sexual identity is fluid and changes over the course of your clients lives.

 

When clients are young, their sexual values usually mirror those of their parents. As they move through adolescence and young adulthood, their sexual values often change and become their own. Adult sexual values are influenced by a host of factors including parents, societal institutions, the media, partners, and personal experience over time just to name a few.

 

While most clients view values, particularly sexual values as fixed and immutable, they are actually very fluid.  Clients’ values change throughout the sexual life-cycle as a result of being exposed to new ideas, new people, and new circumstances.  Most clients either do not realize that their values have changed or are unwilling to admit it because they lack the psychological flexibility to deal with the consequences of admitting this.

 

This can be very confusing and threatening, especially if the changing values are related to strongly held moral and ethical beliefs. Sexual values fall squarely into this category and because of this are often a source of stress when they begin to change.

 

 

Most of my clients have never spent much time actually examining their sexual values until they begin working with me. They’ve  accepted the sexual values instilled in them by their parents and their culture and they don’t really question them until they are in situations where they are transitioning from one type of relationship to another (being in a committed relationship to being single or vice versa etc.) or from one stage of life to the next  (parent to empty nester, etc).

 

These transitioning adult clients often find that the sexual values that guided them for the first 40 or 50 years of their lives don’t provide them with the direction they need to navigate their transitions into new relationships and roles. For example, many of my female clients in their 40s and 50s who, up to this point in their lives, had viewed themselves as “moms,” “wives” or “grandmothers” found that the sexual values they associated with these roles changed as they re-entered the workforce, returned to school, or entered into new romantic relationships.

 

These examples illustrate how changing life situations can lead to a lack of clarity of sexual values. When clients are not clear about their sexual values they can feel like sailboats adrift without rudders. They are at the mercy of the prevailing winds and currents and will go wherever they push you.  There are strong social and cultural sexual winds that are constantly try to push clients who are unclear about their values in all kinds of sexual directions. Being unclear about sexual values can also lead to being mesmerized into activity or as AC Coaching folks say, getting stuck in a sexual rut.

 

 

The great news is …

You can show your clients how to clarify their sexual values and manage values conflicts that contribute to them getting stuck in a sexual rut.

 

My new training course, Acceptance and Commitment (AC ) Coaching: Sexual Relationship Coaching for Committed Couples has been approved for 10 CEU Coaching Credits by CCE, the nation’s premiere coach credentialing organization.

 

Get Your Free Training Session

 

Find out more by getting a copy of my Free Training Session; This 30 minute training session  (a $79.00 value) introduces my Acceptance and Commitment (AC ) Coaching: Sexual Relationship Coaching for Committed Couples course and is yours free for the asking.

 

Click Here to Obtain Your Copy of Your Training Session

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