Help Your Sex Coaching Clients Get Unstuck with Sexual Acceptance

sexual-acceptance
Dr Rich Blonna - Your Guide To Less Stress and Better Sex

Written By Dr. Rich

For more than 30 years, I have devoted myself, both professionally and personally, to helping people just like you stress less, have better sex, and enjoy life more.

Learn more about Dr. Rich

I am a university professor, author, and a world-renowned expert in how the mind and body work together in creating and managing stress. I’m proud to be one of the creators of Acceptance and Commitment (AC) Coaching, an exciting form of cognitive psychology that combines mindfulness, acceptance, and commitment to help people stress less and enjoy better sex and a more fulfilling life.I’m certified in Naikan and Morita, two forms of Japanese psychology that emphasize mindfulness and acceptance training respectively. I’m also a Board Certified Coach (BCC), National Certified Counselor (NCC), and Certified Health Education Specialist (CHES). My eclectic approach combines the best practices from all of these disciplines. I’ve helped thousands of people from the United States, Europe, South Africa, and Asia through my books, audios, and adult training courses.My home is in Marco Island, Florida where I live with Heidi, my wife of 48 years. I love writing, tennis, running, kayaking, swimming, biking, weight training, meditation on the beach, and anything that gets me outdoors in the sun.

November 15, 2019

AC Sex Coaching for Committed Couples

In this post I’ll show you how to help your sex coaching clients get unstuck with Sexual Acceptance.

In previous post I discussed the value of Mindfulness to help your clients get unstuck from sexual ruts. Acceptance builds on mindfulness by teaching clients how to acknowledge and accept their troubling thoughts and painful emotions and keep moving forward towards fulfilling their sexual and relationship goals.

 

 

Acceptance has four components:

  1. accepting reality for what it is.
  2. accepting what can and cannot be controlled .
  3. accepting that trying to avoid, eliminate, or control painful internal factors actually makes them worse.
  4. accepting that the best way to manage painful internal factors is to accept them, and co-exist with them as you shift the focus off of them and onto taking values-congruent action.

1. Accepting Reality for What it is

Accepting reality for what it is implies two things for clients (1) they accept whatever thoughts and unpleasant feelings they are experiencing at the moment and (2) they accept that experiencing painful and troubling thoughts and feelings is part of being human.

If clients can accept these two fundamental truths, they can begin to shift their attention away from their troubling and painful sexual thoughts and emotions and begin focusing on some helpful action they can take to strengthen their sexuality. In time the negative thoughts and emotions fade and are replaced by positive thoughts and feelings focused on the purposeful behavior.

For example, whenever my mind starts to race out of control with troubling thoughts and painful emotions,  I go for a run on the beach. Instead of trying to control, avoid, or eliminate the troubling thoughts and painful emotions I shift my focus off of them and onto my running. I pay attention to my breathing, my footfalls, the sensations in my body and the sights and sounds of the beach. In a short time my troubling thoughts and painful emotions that drove me to the beach have disappeared.

2. Accepting What Can and Cannot be Controlled

Accepting something and being willing to move forward while coexisting with it doesn’t mean that clients necessarily want this reality. It just means that they admit that it exists and  don’t deny it. It also means that they accept the fact that most of the goals they set for themselves and their sexual relationship will not come easy and will involve sacrifice, discipline and pain and suffering. They accept the existence of their pain and suffering as a starting point for dealing with it.

Acceptance training revolves around learning to accept things that are beyond clients’ ability to control. There are two sets of factors related to control;  internal factors and  external factors.

Internal factors are the things that go on in your clients minds; their sexual thoughts, personal scripts, mental images, and emotions. These internal factors come and go like the wind and are beyond clients’ conscious control. For example, if you told your clients to “feel lusty”, they could not simply close their eyes and conjure up feelings of lust. Similarly they could not summon up sadness, happiness, or any other feeling.

 

 

External factors relate to your clients’ sexual behavior and their sexual environment. While they cannot control their thoughts or feelings, they can control their sexual behavior. This is especially true in relationships. They can choose how they behave in relation to their thoughts and feelings.

For instance, clients can trigger happy feelings by doing something that they know makes them feel joy. For example, I know from past experience that giving my wife a back or foot rub triggers feelings of love, tenderness, and sexual desire in me. If I want to experience those emotions I can’t just will myself to feel them. I can however trigger them by doing something (giving her a back or foot rub).

Clients also have some degree of control over their sexual -environments (living room, bedroom etc.).  They can make modifications to any of these to enhance their sexuality and relationship (sensual sheets, candles, good music etc.).

3. Accepting That Trying to Avoid, Eliminate, or Control Painful Internal Factors Actually Makes Them Worse

The most important aspect of acceptance is the fact that when clients try to avoid, control, or eliminate painful thoughts and feelings, they actually make them worse. This isn’t based on speculation or mysticism. It’s based on evidence-based research studies from  Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and AC Coaching. These studies examine the relationships between language, thoughts, emotions, and behavior.

Another key point is that clients cannot control, avoid, or eliminate their troubling thoughts and painful emotions by trying to figure them all out in their heads without taking action  Clients need  to accept that trying to avoid, control, or eliminate troubling thoughts and painful emotions by figuring them out in their heads only makes them worse. The more they try to work on them, the more they keep them in the forefront of their consciousness.

 

4. Accepting that the best way for clients to manage painful internal factors is to accept them, and co-exist with them as they shift their focus off of them and onto taking values-congruent action.

Instead of trying to control troubling thoughts and painful emotions  AC Coaching uses acceptance and commitment to manage it by helping clients learn how to coexist with their pain and suffering while taking values-congruent sexual action (action that is consistent with their sexual values). In a sense, they take their troubling thoughts and painful emotions with them as they take valued sexual action. In time, they learn that they do not need to control, avoid, or eliminate their pain and suffering to take action and meet their sexual and relationship goals.

A key component of clients coexisting with troubling thoughts and painful emotions while taking valued action is showing them how to shift their focus off of them and onto behavior that is congruent with their values. My new AC Coaching course will show you how to do this.

My new training course, Acceptance and Commitment (AC ) Coaching: Sexual Relationship Coaching for Committed Couples has been approved for 10 CEU Coaching Credits by the Center for Credentialing and Education (CCE), the nation’s premiere coach credentialing organization.

Click Here For More Information on My AC Sex Coaching Course

 

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