How Clients Get Stuck in a Sexual Rut

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AC Sex Coaching for Committed Couples

 

how_psychologically _flexible_are_you ?

 

Psychological Inflexibility

In this post I’ll explain how clients get stuck in a sexual rut. 

According to AC Coaching, (Blonna & Anstiss, 2015), clients get stuck in a rut, sexual or otherwise,  because of psychological inflexibility. Psychological inflexibility causes them to  gets stuck on outdated and unhelpful sexual thoughts, personal scripts, mental images, and emotions.

 

Your Clients’ Sex Lives as Documentary Films

Your clients’ sex lives are like documentary films. The films, in this case are sexual documentaries. They  are made up of all the individual sexual scenes that clients have spliced together over the years with their current partners and past sexual partners.

 

Individual scenes in the movies are made up of  sexual thoughts, that combine to form personal scripts (lines of dialogue expressed as sexual self-talk about the scenes), mental images (individual picture frames that create videos of the scene), and emotions associated with the scenes.

 

Sexual Identity is the Focus

 

Your clients sexual documentary films often revolve around any of the components of their sexual identity:  

  • biological sex –  anatomical and physiological characteristics (such as hormones, internal and external sexual organs, physical characteristics etc.) associated with being a genetic male, female, or intersex person.
  •  gender identity – internal picture of being male, female, or transgender.
  •  gender role – external behavior associated with being male, female, or transgender.
  •  sexual orientation – one’s adult, free choice of sexual partners.
  •  sexual behavior – specific activities, level of activity, and types of relationships with partners.
 
Some Common Sexual Identity Issues

 

One common sexual identity issue that clients get stuck on is body image. Clients don’t see themselves or their partners as the young, sexy people they fell in love with. Or, they somehow don’t match up to the societal images of sexy men and women any more (if they ever did) and find it harder and harder to get turned on by their partners or turn on themselves.

 

Another common issue is gender identity. Instead of seeing themselves as sexual creatures filled with desire and passion they see themselves as parents, grandparents, care-takers,  middle aged or old people. They  allow societal stereotypes about who they should be take precedent over who they are and what they desire.

 

Sometimes the problem revolves around sexual response issues. Clients sometimes have outdated sexual scenes in their minds about how they responded in their 20s and now that they are in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and 70s and simply can’t perform the same way they did in their youth they feel inadequate and not very sexy. Instead of accepting their sensuality and sexuality for what it is, and enjoying the heck out of it, they get stuck on believing that this experience is not good enough or somehow inferior to what it was when they were in their 20s. 

Psychological Pain and Suffering

As you can see, not all of the scenes in your clients’ personal sexual documentaries played out smoothly in real life. In many cases the scenes caused your clients lots of psychological pain and suffering.

 

Many of the scenes were so painful that your clients really wish they never existed and that they could just edit them away. Unfortunately, unlike with editing movies, clients cannot leave those scenes on the cutting room floor. They are forever tucked away in parts of their minds and cannot be edited out.

 
Past Relational Frames

 

The thoughts, personal scripts , mental images, and feelings  linked to these scenes occurred under specific contexts in their sexual development. The place and time of these past sexual learning experiences serve as frames of reference (also known as Relational Frames in AC Coaching) that influence how clients will perceive current and future sexual experiences.

 

Even though these experiences happened years ago at a different time and place, they still lurk in the deeper recesses of your clients’ minds just waiting to rear their ugly heads.

 

All that needs to happen is for the right set of similar circumstances to occur in the present moment and those scenes from your clients’ past sexual documentary movie will jump to the forefront. Once this happens their minds will extrapolate endlessly about how things will play out in the future.

 

 
Psychological Barriers That Keep Clients Stuck

 

When clients’ past sexual frames of reference are not in synch with their current sexual values and goals, they create psychological barriers to having the kind of sex life they want and deserve. When this happens, it isn’t because they are crazy or sexually dysfunctional; they are just stuck.

 

Getting stuck occurs because they lack the psychological flexibility needed to overcome the barriers posed by their unhelpful and outdated sexual thoughts, personal scripts, mental images, and emotions.

 

The sad thing is that many clients who are in long-term loving and committed relationships get stuck and either don’t know how to get unstuck or give up trying. They stay stuck for months and even years and wonder where the passion, desire, and sexual satisfaction went and whether they can ever get it back.

 

As I mentioned, all clients in long-term committed relationships get get stuck sexually from time to time. Everyone has unhelpful sexual thoughts, personal scripts, mental images and feelings associated with themselves, their partners or their relationships. You can help your clients re-ignite the flame of desire in their relationships.

 

 

My 10 CEU AC Sex Coaching Training Course

 

My 10 CEU course,  AC Sex Coaching: Sexual Relationship Coaching for Committed Couples, gives you the road map for helping your clients become more psychologically flexible and enjoy sex more.

 

Get Your Free Training Session To Learn more about My AC Sex Coaching Training Course

 

My free training session will show you how to help your clients:

  • Improve their understanding of their personal sexuality.
  • Identify thinking and feeling traps that create sexual barriers that get them stuck.
  • Get Unstuck by becoming more psychologically flexible.
  • Enjoy Sex More by using acceptance, commitment, and other AC Coaching techniques.
  • Strengthen their Commitments to their husbands, wives, or partners.
  • Strengthen their Overall Relationships by enhancing their sexual relationship

 

Click this link for your Free Training Session

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