My new Dr Rich book, Sexual Mindfulness, will reignite the flame of passion in any long-term relationship. You can read the book by itself, or in conjunction with the companion Audio Files that have all of the longer practice exercises recorded for your listening pleasure. .
How do you keep your sexual passion alive after you’ve been with your partner for 10, 20 or more years and have had sex thousands of times together?
“The key is using sexual mindfulness to approach each erotic encounter with your partner as something new and fresh. Sexual mindfulness helps you adopt a “Beginner’s Mind”, the Buddhist term for looking at things as if you are experiencing them for the first time.” (quote from the book).
In my new Dr. Rich book, Sexual Mindfulness, I will provide a road map for achieving great sex with fun, easy to master exercises and information that guides you through my sexual mindfulness training program.
Here are some excerpts from the book…
Chapter 1: Let’s Talk About Sex and Your Sexual Identity
Before we jump into discussing sexual mindfulness we need to answer the question, “What is sex?” You’re probably wondering why I even need to ask the question because everyone knows what sex is, right? Well, maybe.
Sex can mean many different things to different people. Still not convinced? Let me just share a little story that dates all the way back to 1998.
On 1/16/98 President Bill Clinton infamously told the nation, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.” while at the same time admitting that the stains on her blue dress were there because she had performed oral sex on him in his office. At the time I was 47 years old and my first reaction to his quote was , “yeah, sure, so how do you explain the stains on her dress?” After thinking it over for a while I began to wonder if he really didn’t think that oral sex was sex. At the time I was teach a Human Sexuality college course so I decided to ask my students. I was amazed at the results. Most did not consider oral sex , sex. They viewed it more as a type of foreplay or making out rather than putting it in the same class as intercourse. Furthermore, most of them who had given or received oral sex but hadn’t had sexual intercourse considered themselves to be virgins.
To be honest, I was blown away by the results. I was only a few years younger than President Clinton at the time he made his statement and I definitely viewed oral sex as sex. In fact I viewed oral sex as not only a type of sex but probably the most intimate form of sex because of the face to genital exposure someone has when performing it. In fact, I still feel this way.
Chapter 2: How Your Mind Thinks About Sex
In order to practice sexual mindfulness, you need to understand how your mind thinks about sex. One of the hardest things for me to understand when I started practicing mindfulness was the role played by my mind. I really didn’t even understand the difference between the brain and the mind. During my first formal seminar I was continually corrected by the instructor when I made statements about the brain that actually were related to the mind.
The best analogy I can think of to explain the relationship between your brain and your mind is the relationship between your computer and the software it runs. Your brain is similar to the computer. It is the structure that houses the software and makes it run. Your mind is like your computer’s software. Just like your computer houses several different programs so does your mind.
While your computer might have a word processing program, a photo and video viewing program, an internet gateway program and several others, your mind has its’ own programs. Your mind’s “programs” are your thoughts, feelings, self-talk and mental images.
The other key similarity between your brain/mind and your computer/software is the ability of your mind and your computer to run several programs simultaneously. At any given time your computer is running its’ operating system, virus checker, email, etc. Your mind does the same thing. It simultaneously thinks, feels, and responds to external stimuli such as sights, sounds, smells etc. when you are in a sexual situation. Not only can your computer and your brain run these programs simultaneously, they are capable of running them non-stop 24/7 every day. In other words, your mind is a non-stop 24/7 thinking and feeling machine. And people wonder why we think about sex so much???
Chapter 5: Sexual Orientation/Preference
The two terms sexual orientation and sexual preference are often used interchangeably. I prefer the term sexual orientation because I feel that it encompasses the term sexual preference. In my new Dr. Rich book, Sexual Mindfulness, I define sexual orientation as your adult, free choice, of sexual partners.
I use the qualifier, “adult”, because it is not unusual for people to experiment with same and opposite sex partners in childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood. By adulthood people have had the time and opportunity to make an informed choice about the kinds of partners they desire and prefer to have sex with.
I use the qualifying term “free choice” because it eliminates sexual experiences that were forced, or occurred while incarcerated or in any other situation where free choice was curtailed.
I strongly believe that there is no inherently right or wrong, or good or bad sexual orientation. No one knows why people have the sexual orientation they do. As with other preferences (food , career, political etc.) you are drawn to your sexual partners because they appeal to you and spark your sexual desire. No one knows for sure why this is so. There is no conclusive scientific evidence that links sexual orientation to hormones, parenting styles, dominant fathers etc.
Chapter 8: Sexual Response
If you ask the average person which body part is most important regarding their sexual response, they’ll probably say, the penis or the vagina or something else related to their genitals. Most of us equate sexual response to genital functioning, something that goes on between our legs. In my new Dr. Rich book, Sexual Mindfulness, I explain that the most important body part involved in your sexual response is located between your ears.
Your brain, not your genitals, is the seat of your sexual response. Sexual response begins and ends in your mind. Sexual response is a complex interaction of psychological and physiological factors that starts in your brain and spreads through the rest of your body, including your genitals.
Your sexual response starts with your mind’s perception of desire and ends with a sense of satisfaction or disappointment. It involves thoughts about yourself, your partner, and the specific context in which your potential sexual encounter occurs. In other words three variables are involved; you, your partner, and the time and place of the encounter. What your mind tells you about these things strongly influences every aspect of your sexual response from being able to get aroused to enjoying the experience and having an orgasm.
Sexual Mindfulness training helps you become more aware of your mind is telling you about your sexual encounters with your partner. It teaches you how to shift your focus off of any unhelpful thoughts and feelings and onto what is going on in the present moment when you have sex. This enables you to be 100% present and get the most out of your sexual experience.
Chapter 13: Becoming More Mindful of Your Sexuality
More mindful, enjoyable sex is not some fantasy or sexual lifestyle beyond your reach. In my new Dr. Rich book, Sexual Mindfulness, I explain that such a lifestyle has nothing to do with age, beauty, penis or breast size or other physical attributes, lingerie, jewelry, perfume, make-up, or any of the variables society equates with great sex.
Ordinary people can have extraordinary sex with the same partner for years and years if they approach each experience with grace and gratitude and a beginner’s mind.
The following fun exercise can help you view sex differently. The purpose of this activity is to start to slow down and savor the process of lovemaking as much as the outcome. It helps you view sex as more of a multi-course gourmet meal. With each course the couple anticipates something special, a unique taste delight.
Exercise # 24: Sex as a Gourmet Meal
1. Set aside one full hour of uninterrupted time for this activity.
2. Think of this one-hour lovemaking session as a gourmet meal.
- Take your time with each course; savor it and do not rush.
- Don’t look at having an orgasm as the objective.
- Don’t even think beyond the course you are involved in and your actions, and those of your partner.
3. For course number one just relax in bed eating and drinking.
- Don’t get drunk or eat too much.
- The idea is to have a sensual snack.
- Think of this as a prelude to your lovemaking.
4. Give your partner a massage for a few minutes.
- Have your partner choose which type of massage.
- Take your time, use oil or powder, and be mindful of what is going on in your hands and body, your partner’s body, and the bedroom environment.
- Continue this for as long as you wish and then switch and have your partner massage you.
5. Now shift your attention to your partner’s vulva or penis and get into position to give your partner oral sex for a while. Relax and take your time.
- Notice the sights, sounds, tastes, touch, and smell of giving your partner oral sex.
- Ask your partner if there is anything they would like you to do to enhance the experience for them.
6. Now switch and let your partner give you oral sex for a while.
- Notice the sights, sounds, tastes, touch, and smell of your partner giving you oral sex.
- Tell your partner if there is anything you would like them to do to enhance the experience for you.
7. If you both desire it, get into position and give each-other oral sex for a while.
- Notice the sights, sounds, tastes, touch, and smell of giving and receiving oral sex.
- Tell your partner if there is anything you would like them to do to enhance the experience for you.
8. Take a break and grab a sip of wine and a piece of fruit.
9. Feed your partner for a while and express your appreciation for such a wonderful love-making session.
10. Now shift your focus to sexual intercourse and ask your partner how they want to be entered or enter you.
11. After a while change intercourse positions. I recommend finishing with one that your partner is most likely to achieve orgasm with.
12. Continue in this position until your partner comes.
13. If you haven’t come and want to, tell your partner what you will need in order to come.
14. Remember, you can have great sex even if you don’t have an orgasm so this is your choice.
15. After you either have an orgasm or decide to stop having intercourse, don’t pull out or have your partner pull out immediately.
A Personal Thanks
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