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Here is a little taste from Ch 13; Mindful Sexual Relationships.
Chapter 13 is the first chapter in Part 3 of the book.
Part 3 integrates everything you’ve learned about sex and mindfulness from Parts 1 and 2.
In chapter 13 in the book I focus on two general themes designed to integrate mindfulness into your relationship: building grace and gratitude and improving your sexual communication.
I’ll introduce you to Naikan, a type of self-reflection that focuses on building grace and gratitude. The cornerstone of Naikan practice is reflecting on three questions:
- What have I done for my partner?
- What has my partner done for me?
- What pain have I caused my partner?
Reflecting on these three questions shifts the focus from you and your “problems” to what your partner has done for you and what problems you have caused her. Shifting your focus off of yourself helps you become more grateful for your partner and the support your partner gives you.
Just imagine how this can benefit your relationship.
- Instead of being critical and ungrateful and only focusing on the problems with your partner, you turn this around and focus on how he or she has enhanced your life and made it better.
- What would your relationship be like if you transformed this mindful insight into changes in your behavior?
- Imagine how your relationship might improve if you showed a little more grace and gratitude toward your partner.
Think about two people you know who express grace and gratitude or are not very gracious or grateful.
One always seems to have no problem expressing their gratitude. This person feels that there is always something to be grateful for. They find beauty and happiness in the things they do and the world around them.
The other seems to do nothing but complain. This person always seems to find something to complain about; the weather, work, their spouse, their co-workers, their kids etc.
- Who would you rather be around?
- How do you feel after chatting with the former person compared to the latter?
If you are like me, you probably looks for ways to avoid the complainer.
How would you rather be perceived by your partner;
- as an ungrateful soul who complains about everything
- as someone who is grateful to be with her thankful for all she has contributed to your life?
Naikan self-reflection will help you develop this perspective by being more mindful of what you partner has done for you and the pain and suffering you have created for her.
The second half of this chapter focuses on sexual communication, sharing sexual thoughts and feelings with your partner. The skills involved in learning how to communicate clearly are the same ones used in sexual communication.
The difference is the topic of conversation.
For example, it might be easy to use effective communication techniques to talk to your boss about your needs, wants, and expectations related to a project at work.
It might be a totally different story communicating to your partner about your needs, wants, and expectations about your sex life.
In this part of the chapter you’ll learn about how to communicate your thoughts and feelings regarding your sexual needs, wants, and desires.
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